When you must go on.

Today has been exceptionally hard on me. I had severe anxiety attacks last night and my husband even said I was whimpering in my sleep. Needless to say, I was tired when I got up. My ex-husband has been in town and whereas that may be good for my daughter to see him, it's not good for me to have to continually be civil to him. It gets harder as time goes by. But, until she sees him in any other way than her Dad, I will have to keep on being nice and patient and, above all, tolerant. It's very tiring trying to maintain some sort of civil conduct when all I really want to do is pop him in the mouth.

I called my dearest friend Heather because I had a feeling her day was not going well either. I was, unfortunately, right. We've learned a lot from each other, but most of all we have learned that we can trust each other, we can show the vulnerable side and not fear judgment or condemnation. I needed her today and she needed me, so the stars aligned and made our schedules stop just long enough for us to hang on to one another.

About the time her mate came home to hold her and make her day more tolerable, I picked up my daughter from school. I cannot express to you how much better just seeing her made me. I know that she's safe now and that she is in a good place. As we were settling to playing outside, my husband came home and just let me hold him. I get so much love and support from him on so many levels. For the first time today, I felt okay. I had my family with me and they were happy, healthy and glad to be together. I was still emotionally tired and a little physically tired, but it was better.

Then, I went in the house and noticed a missed call from my mom. Short and simple she stated in her message to me that yet another mammogram was abnormal and she is going to see a breast surgeon on Tuesday. My mom has been battling skin cancer that is, rather quickly I might add, spreading across her body. It started on her arm then places showed up on her face. Since last summer, the cancer has resurfaced on her arm, spread down her face and has appeared on her chest. We both know what this abnormal mammogram could mean. Neither one of us is willing to say it.

I'm scared for her. I'm concerned about my friend. I'm upset by the turmoil that my ex caused by coming back. Tomorrow I will get up and be thankful that I have a home, a loving husband, an amazing daughter, a fabulous soul-sister and an uncommonly strong mother. But that's tomorrow. Tonight, I will take a hot bath and sob softly to myself. I will accept the fact that I am sad and tired and scared.

And then...

Tomorrow, I will go on.