"Not Anymore" original oil pastels
by:
I know I haven't posted in a few days, but this painting is why. I've had a lot of inner turmoil to deal with, accept and begin to overcome. Being self-confident hasn't been one of my strongest qualities, even though I make it seem like it is. That's partly what "Not Anymore" is about.
I purposefully made all kind of beautiful swirls and colors and then plopped a big ugly box on top of them. It's that box that has given me the most grief in my life. It's filled with everything ugly within me and around me. For every time my worth was based solely on my weight, or my beauty or my talent, it went in that box. Every negative word, every time I professed the children's rhyme of "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words can never hurt me", and knew that physical wounds would heal, but the words did hurt me, I put it in that box.
The "yes" and "no" that are scrawled in there aren't an argument about the truth of the ugly. Sometimes the yes meant all those nasty words were true. Yes, you are fat, yes, you are ugly, yes, your talent is lacking, yes, you are not worthy. The no's are my own. Not someone trying to dispute all the yesses. No, you're not good enough, no, you aren't pretty enough, no, you aren't thin enough, no, you can't, no, you won't, no, you just don't have it in you.
That is what I have been dealing with, the yes and no of the ugly in myself. That's where all the colors come in. That's why there are so many of them, dancing around the box, mocking it, showing that they are the majority, they are free to move, and the box is small and immobile.
Every ribbon of color is the beginning of my truth.
"Not Anymore", I claim over and over again. The box isn't my truth, I AM NOT UGLY, I AM NOT WORTHLESS, I AM NOT WEAK ~~NOT ANYMORE, NOT ANYMORE~~ every ribbon touches that box in one way or another and with it the words of truth ride along. I am not accepting the ugly into my life anymore. I have lived with it for all my time here on earth. I have felt that box in all my movements. Not Anymore. Strength, beauty, talent, worth, amazement, quality, these are the things I am now.
I told you on the previous post that whatever you thought that painting was going to be, you were wrong. Do you see now why I said that? I am in tears as I post this because nothing I have ever done is this raw, this open and this true. But that's part of "Not Anymore", releasing those fears and being able to tell everyone, man, woman, child, that they don't have to live with the ugly anymore.
Not anymore...
Not anymore...
6 comments:
I have so many things to say to this, but am feeling quite awe struck at the moment.
What I can say forsure is that I feel your pain AND your determination not to allow it to rule your life anymore. My God, do I ever.
Saying I'm proud of you would be an understatement...just know that I think this creation is beyond wonderful and fantastic! It serves such an important purpose. Self acceptance and self love are the two most important gifts anyone can ever give to themselves.
You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and this post just goes to prove it!
HUGS!!
Ummmm, Wow...almost covers it. I am so proud of you my brave, raw and radiant beauty! My friend is so incredible...did you see? No? Then go back and look again....
I love you Pinky.
Heather
I am sooo feeling you in this art of yours. It is awesome, to make a total understatement. What is funny is that I just came to your blog to check it out because you made such a sweet and caring comment on my blog, and I just wanted to "meet" you. Imagine this being the first thing I see. You are a real, beautiful person and I hope that you realize it and that ugly box gets smaller and smaller until it is less than a dot.
Just thought I'd pop over and see who visited me. Thanks for your comment. It looks as though you're really going through some stuff. Glad you're finding ways to come to know yourself better and love yourself more.
mezz
Thanks for all the wonderful comments, love and support. Heather know how the last week has been for me and this was a very personal piece, but I had to get it out.
Anyway, thank you all for being here and hopefully understanding what the piece is about so that you don't make that ugly box in your life, too.
Wow, I missed your lead up posts. This is awesome, I hope the cathartic feeling from this works lasts and lasts. Oil pastels are very good for this kind of thing, you can torture them with smearing and blending, throw ink on them, etc. A lot of art doesn't speak for itself nowadays, but yours does. Please keep doing more for yourself!
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