Wounds
by:
Carrie
Oil pastels and paints on watercolor paper. This is not the first Pinky blog that I have had, but I killed the other one because it started affecting my work. Well, not the blog, per se, but the people that felt they knew me all too well because of what I wrote and they tried to take advantage of that. I, like most people, don't care to be taken advantage of so it was easier to stop my blog than continue to deal with manipulative people.
I have never, in my old blog or this one, posted my real name. In fact, if you haven't bought jewelry from me, you wouldn't know it at all. And those of you who do know it, respected me enough as a friend and a person to keep on with my pen name. That means a lot. After this post, I doubt I'll put my name to another piece, and if I do, I imagine it will be years. I am not ashamed of my name or who I am, but Pinky gives me a security blanket that sometimes Carrie doesn't have.
When I was a little girl, my brother called my baby Firestar. He still does. He said that because of my wild, red hair and my just as wild spirit, I just reminded him of her. I was cool enough to be immortalized in my brother's brain as a super hero. Can't get much better than that. When we were a little older, we used to make cassette tapes of car commercials because we thought we were funny. I came up with the name of Pinky Karmenghia and it stuck, 20 years later it's still there. Because both names were tacked by events that involved my big brother, it gave me security when I felt I had none.
I have had some hard decisions to make this past summer. Decisions that dealt with my family and the affect it has on me. Most days, I do real well, yesterday I didn't. A lot of old hurt and damage was brought to the surface again and it knocked me flat on my ass. It still amazes me that wounds can so easily be opened while new ones are being carved. That's why I did this painting. It hurt and I wanted to cry the whole time I was doing it, but I would not shed one tear. Not one.
I have been abused, taken advantage of, manipulated, cursed, dammed and blamed. Some for things I may have done, most for things I haven't. All I want is a safe place for my daughter to live and grow in and in the process of that I had to hurt someone close to me. I had to hurt my mom. I know she doesn't see it this way, but our choice, as my little family, to keep her away from our daughter was not to be mean or cruel to her. It was to keep that meanness and cruelty away from our daughter. The decision to tell her NO was the hardest thing I believe I have ever done.
I love my daughter with a fierceness that borders on crazy. I would go to any length to keep her safe from the monsters that live in people. I did what I had to do and I will continue to do that until my mom sees that I'm not doing it to spite her, curse her or just be awful to her. She needs help and I can't fix it for her. She has to do it on her own. But, unless something changes, she won't do it and I will continue to be the "bitch that took my one and only granddaughter away".
I'm not going to pretend that this is easy or fun. It's hard and it makes a nasty knot in my stomach. But it's the truth. In a single moment, my mom can reopen those old wounds and slash new ones with fervor, even if she doesn't know she's doing it. But sometimes, I think she does. I am old enough to say "Stop it, that hurts" but often that statement is not enough and I end up getting hurt anyway. That's my own damn fault. I should be able to stand against the abuse and shout "NO!!!", instead I sit there and take it.
So, I cut her out. For my health as much for my daughter's. The wounds are still there, and as of yesterday, there are a few new ones. But I couldn't slip into Pinky when I, Carrie, needed to feel the pain and hurt and let it go. Expose myself to millions of unknowns and maybe start to heal.
My name is Carrie. I am an abuse survivor. I am a loving mother and a caring wife. I cry hot tears when the pain and memories are too much. I am strong enough to say no. I am worthy of untainted love. I am a spectacular woman.
And I am still afraid of my mommy.
11 comments:
Carrie, Pinky, my friend. I'm so sorry to read what you've gone through, and what's till affecting you. You are a wonderful kind and sensitive person, and yet I can tell you're strong and also protective of your girl and your friends. I am honored to have you call me your friend.
I'm going to tell you something that at first may not seem related to what you wrote about.
I met Dizzy Gillespie once after one of his concerts and I spent a good thirty minutes talking to him. Here's was a legend, literally, a man who has been through it all, and also one who will be long remembered after we're all gone because of his greatness on his intrument. He could have been arrogant, conceited and not given me the time of day, but no.
Here he was, sitting in front of me, kind and so humble I was embarrased by humbleness, as if I knew my soul, my thoughts will never be as humble and kind as this great man in front of me and I was ashamed of sitting near him and I thought I might break out and start crying in front of this guy. It was surreal.
That happened to me one other time at a hardware store, of all places. The clerk that helped me with something was very much like Dizzie in his kindness and humbleness.
It happened one more time, reading a blog by a certain Pinky on July 1st when you decided to put pictures of yourself on the blog (I remember the day well because it was my birthday and because of your kind eyes and your sweet spirit.)
You ARE a good mother and I'm sure your hubby thinks the world of you. You are a good friend and I'm sure there are many real and "virtual" friends that would vouch for that, and nobody can take that away from you, Carrie, and when your past come back and scares you, you have the right heart to make the right choices for both you and your daughter.
You got that, Pinky Gillespie?
Here's my email: pavelplas@yahoo.com
Write whenever you want to talk.
It's hard to know what I can say in reposnse to such a heart wrenching post that moved me so much. Just wanted to let you know that reading your blog is always an inspiration to me. Just as I'm sure you're an inspiration to all around you.
Oh Pinky, just KNEW something big was going on in your world yesterday. I sensed it very strongly all day.
You are a brave woman to have done what you have done. You have broken the chain of abuse to ensure that further generations of your family will not have to suffer what you did.
What you have done is monumental to the emotional health and well being of your family.
You've been strong enough to see the problem, you've been strong enough to stand up to the problem (even though you were scared), and you were strong enough to take the necessary steps to stop the unhealthiness from continuing to affect your life and that of your daughter's.
I couldn't be more proud of you.
I know how hard this was/is for you and I know that emotional pain that comes with having to do what you've done. It's such a hard emotion to describe because I think it's a mix of so many things. Having to make a decision that you know will hurt your parent's, especially when you have such different personalities that the parent cannot conceive of your reasoning, has to be one of THE hardest things possible for a child to have to do. I firmly believe that.
And the reopening of wounds...I know that feeling all too well myself. Just when you think you are coming to grips very well with something, it can take one sentence or maybe even just a look to take you right back into that pain and the wounds just gush like they were freshly cut. As if the wounds never really healed at all and were just covered by duct tape to stop the bleeding. The bleeding continues on the inside, but it's covered up enough that no one notices most of the time...including you.
I hope over time your Mother is able to see the hurt she can cause and understand and respect you enough to know why you did what you had no choice to do. You are a mother and your first priority is to your child...to provide the best atmoshere possible...and that environment cannot include disrespect, physical or emotion hurt, or emotional unrest.
Thank you for sharing your true self with us (even though I already knew you)...I know this was a big deal for you.
Carrie is a gorgeous and stunning individual and I'm so happy to have met you.
I know you will stay tough and determined because that's you. And I know over time that this will get easier. But I'm here if you need anything at all from me, be it a joke to help cheer you up for a second or an ear to listen to anything you have to say.
AND awesome painting as usual. I wonder when you are going to start selling of this stuff!
Love and big hugs! Amber
Oh, and what a lovely story Pavel...how touching. :) That was so so nice.
Okay, sorry to bombard you with comments but this post has erupted so much in me that I have more to say.
I just wrote this poem for you.
It was written from my heart and from how I felt during times similar to the one you are going through now.
No More:
In a time and place
Where troubled thoughts lurk
Where uneasy feelings numb
I turn to myself for strength
I know what is right
And I know what is healthy
I can't help but question
The motive
Or whether there really is one
I falter, questioning my reasoning
I look back
Maybe my ignorance can continue
NO!
What am I thinking?
It has to stop
It WILL stop
I know I'm not crazy
And I know what I expect is healthy
For Everyone
It's not my fault
It's not your fault
But it is if we let it continue
New beginnings need to start now.
I've made my choice.
I love you.
I love me.
And I will do what I have to do.
You may not understand
And I can't change that
I hope someday you do
But my waiting is over
It has to end
All ends have a line
And this line has been drawn for you
And I wish beyond wishes
That someday you will understand
But if you don't
I will go on without you
Because I respect myself
And I wish you did too.
thank you. I wish there was more, but all I can say is thank you.
Pinky or Carrie- Regardless of who you are, you're my friend. You found me as "Chloe' Gardner", and came to know the real me as well. You are a survivor. Admitting that you were abused is one of the hardest things in this world. I was abused by a family friend, not too far from my age, but old enough to know better. It took me many years to finally come to terms with the fact that I was abused.
I'm so proud of you for rising above the things that have caused you pain, and have become a better person because of it. You do what you need to do to keep you and your daughter safe and happy.
*Hugs and Love*
Pinky - I know of that knot in the pit of your stomach. I know of abuse. I wish that neither of us did, but here we are today with beautiful children of our own.
Your having written about it is a good step in saying that you won't and don't have to stand for it any longer. You are worthy of a good life with love, creativity and without clouds blocking your sunshine. Also, it is very courageous of you. And it is a good step in acknowledging the woman you have become.
I am glad to have met you and sense only strength and beauty emminating from you (without even having seen your pictures). Oooh and I always loved Kharmingeas - I went through a period where I had to have one, but couldn't find a decent one. Anyway...
Stay strong, you are doing what is right for yourself and your family - something that should have been done for you many years ago. Good thoughts your way. xox Gina
And "they" say you can't make true friends via the net...sheesh. ;P LOL!
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain in your life...it's hard to say anything else. You are a remarkable woman and you have made a difficult choice to protect yourself and your daughter. I hope that your mother will see your actions for what it is and that her eyes may eventually be opened.
I totally understand your need to protect your child...it is very primal. Hard to explain. I love my daughter so very much and would do anything to keep her from harms way even if it meant my own life.
You are brave, strong, and full of your special light, that makes ME feel privilaged to just be near you. I could not be more proud of knowing you, and knowing that I love you, without fear...well is there a greater gift in this life? Unconditional love and acceptence, you offer it, and take it...such a beautiful woman you are. There is only so much we should have to endure in this life, you have had your fill, and your overflow with truth and beauty...you are a blessing to many...and in particular to this human.
Heather
www.badkittyartstudio.com
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