Blue Light

It is often by the blue glow of the computer screen that I seek solace from my day. To laugh, to learn, to be somwhere other than here. Being with one's self is not always easy and many things are brought to scrutiny in the light. The childlike fear of posting a new piece, of asking opinions and hoping that they hold praise. I see my hands, see them clearly, with the scars and lines dug deep in places. How is it that with these hands I can create like I do? And why is it that I am my harshest critic, the first to damn, the first to cast aside? Perhaps because there is so much of me left in every piece and I'm afraid that you will see it and turn from me. My true name means Strength, but it doesn't mean that I am always strong. I get weary, as do you. I feel sadness, exhaustion, weight although I rarely let it show. I wonder why I don't entrust myself to all of you that have so clearly shown you care. Is it fear? Yes, that is the most likely of candidates. Although a despised emotion, I feel it creeping upon me and it makes me tired. Oh, so tired.

Many times I have been a Warrior. Often unwilling, I have been cast into battle and emerged either as a victor with a crown of glory, or as a survivor bearing scars that will never fade. I have literally stared death in the face and told it to move on, my work here is not complete and I will not travel on that final road with you. It was not my time, but I sometimes wonder that by turning death away, I slated myself for more battles. I have had many since that time and I get so tired of fighting. But I have no time to pause, to weep, to worry or to wonder, I have to prepare.

I'm not well but I keep it hidden from even those closest to me. I don't want to go to another doctor, to another test, to another place. I don't want to be poked and prodded, fussed over. But what choice do I have? Refuse to go and let the sickness grow? That's too cowardly for me, even when I lay in the bed and cry, I still know that I must face another war. I feel like I am standing in the Valley between Hope and Unease. I have laid my head upon the rich grass of hope, smelled the sweetness of the flowers and wallowed in the gentleness that resides there. The last time, I was too secure and when the call came, the Mountain of Unease hurled rocks upon me and I was not prepared for it. Where do I sit to collect myself? Do I rest upon Hope again only to have rocks thrown at me? Or do I wallow in the base of Unease becoming a woman of worry and doubt?

I don't know, I just don't know. So for now, I will rest in the Valley between the two, await the doctor's visit and make battle plans then. I don't want another score to settle within myself. I want one year to be free, just one year. I haven't had that in sixteen years and it wears on me. I am strong and I am a warrior, yet even a warrior gets tired. I will seek solace once again, in the blue light of the computer, and push aside my fears and open myself to you. I will take joy in your friendship and pull strength from your love. I will rest and when the time comes, I will show you the plan for battle, I will request your supprt and I can march forward knowing that I have it. Thank you for sitting a spell and hearing my story. My heart is lighter because of it.